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There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Diary: (A Memoir and Manifesto For Villains and Monsters) by [Jeff Mach]

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Jeff Mach

There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Diary: (A Memoir and Manifesto For Villains and Monsters) Kindle Edition

by Jeff Mach (Author) Format: Kindle Edition

222 ratings

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"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me."
Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, "There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN: A Dark Lord's Journal" is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of:

The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm.

The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground.

The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction.

The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him.

....and

The Chosen One: Victim--sorry, meant to say "Hero"--of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again.

Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it. Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun.

"There and NEVER, EVER BACK AGAIN" is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.

Length: 229 pages	Word Wise: Enabled	Enhanced Typesetting: Enabled
Page Flip: Enabled	Audible Narration: Audible Narration Switch back and forth between reading the Kindle book and listening to the Audible narration. Add narration for a reduced price of $3.49 after you buy the Kindle book. Ready	Language: English
Age Level: 12 - 18

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Product details

ASIN : B07TP5SY6L
Language : English
File size : 1371 KB
Simultaneous device usage : Unlimited
Text-to-Speech : Enabled
Screen Reader : Supported
Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
X-Ray : Not Enabled
Word Wise : Enabled
Print length : 229 pages

Best Sellers Rank: 144,021 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- 301 in Satire (Kindle Store)
- 470 in Satire (Books)
- 1,943 in Dark Fantasy Horror

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222 ratings

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Unexpectedly thought provoking

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 13 August 2019

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I bought this book fully anticipating that it would be packed with the carefully crafted sardonic wit that typifies the author’s twitter feed.

What I didn’t expect was exactly how much it makes you think. This book is full cleverly posited philosophical arguments that can cause you to re-examine yourself and your morality if you allow them to… and you should allow them to.

Although classified as a parody (and it does that well, with obvious inspiration from some of the giants of the fantasy genre – Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time saga springs to mind, as do influences from Pratchett, Neil Gaiman and their ilk), a proper reading of this brings so much more food for thought.

Written from both the perspective of the eponymous Dark Lord, and the meddlesome Chosen One sent to destroy them, there is a breadth of language used that both amuses and probes into the reader’s understanding of the basis of good and evil and, indeed, makes some very convincing arguments regarding human morality and assumptions.

It could be seen as a parable for modern times, a comment on the current political climate, and an acknowledgement that there are those who think that people are easily classified with a soundbite, and fall for mass rhetoric and bile. It is all of these, but equally it asks the question as to what happens if you let yourself and your world view be defined by others’ opinions.

If you like fantasy, if you like parody, if you like to be questioned occasionally, and to be made to really consider yourself and your role in humanity, then give this book a go. It’ll make you smile, it’ll make you nod in agreement, and it will make you reflect, and sometimes, you can’t ask for much more out of a book than that.

2 people found this helpful

Margot-Hi-5

How Dark is this Dark Lord Really? My allegiance took me by surprise

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 4 May 2020

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What did I expect from a book which sub-heads itself as A Dark Lord’s Diary and A Memoir and Manifesto for Villains and Monsters?

The book/journal to be written entirely from the point of view of a loquacious but dastardly super villain
A plot choc full of the thoughts and actions of an extreme machiavellian character, whose evil deeds and plans would provide vicarious thrills while horrifying the more gentle reader
Evil to triumph over good in the most crushing way
An interesting, suspense-filled journey towards a climactic battle

What did I get from There and Never Ever Back Again - A Dark Lord’s Diary?

Two points of view: the eponymous Dark Lord and the current Chosen One (current - because the White Wizard burns through them like matches). Each keeps a journal interwoven to create the saga’s progress
An elucidating discourse filled with thought-provoking nuggets of wisdom on the injustice of human attitudes/emotions relating to anything defined as different. Ancient creatures who’ve been maligned, mistreated and banished from the sunlight, unsurprisingly ally themselves with a being who offers the opportunity to reclaim what they have lost
Philosophy-themed discussions pertaining to standards of ‘good’ and ‘evil’ which call into question the perception of either concept, inviting a re-examination of one’s morality.
The final /climactic battle towards which the White Wizard is pushing may be strewn with futility (not uncommon in the nature of battles). Races may be preparing to fight to death or extinction over a principle, while victory over the central villain could be perceived as a change of driver, rather than destination.

While the Chosen One shows signs of developing an affinity with their sworn enemy, symbiotically the reader questions the consequences of allowing their own worldview to be defined by others. I fully appreciated the thought-provoking nature of this book.

There and Never Ever Back Again is a fantasy book, written with humour and a sardonic wit that kept me so entertained that, once I’d finished, I wanted to start again! For this genre I tend to watch films more often than read, so it’s a pleasant surprise to have so much to take away from its discourse. Structured around the hero’s journey, the author gives amusing nods to renowned writers (I recognised Tolkien, other reviewers mention Pratchett, Jordan and Gaiman) which adds to the satirical nature of the book. In one final twist, the main characters aren’t restricted by traditional binary moulds.

I’ll definitely read this again and recommend it to friends.

Abby

Extremely entertaining

Reviewed in India on 3 June 2020

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Building up on a base that enmeshes sci-fi and fantasy this book instigates your thoughts and challenges your morals at every step. This is what makes this book stand out. It is not your regular fantasy! It is thought provoking, introspective and engages readers at a philosophical level. I’m officially a fan of his writing and the trademark wit. The writing is engaging and it is needless to say that the narrative is immensely entertaining.

Reyadh Rahaman

Fun and Sinister!

Reviewed in Canada on 24 August 2020

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A fun trek through the mind of a Dark Lord. Learn why you should dislike normality and be entertained at the same time!

Theophanes Avery

A must have for anyone who loves over-the-top villains

Reviewed in the United States on 6 July 2019

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What a delightful little romp into the dark side! Here we have a loquacious super villain pontificating their own existence while besmirching the good names of elves and unicorns. There's a lot to love here - a playfulness of language, a sense of well timed whimsy, and at times glimmers of wise insight you wouldn't really expect. It's a bit light on plot but it was too funny to care that much. I mean parables from the dark side? Yes, please. I have already recommended it to other twisted minds.

18 people found this helpful

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